Gross is a Feeling
People will say they are disgusting when really they mean they feel disgusting. To feel disgust means we have encountered something offensive, unhygienic, or harmful to our health and well-being. When I get off a plane I have never felt grosser in my entire life. My skin feels dry, my clothes feel dirty, and my body feels uncomfortable. Am I MYSELF gross? No. I FEEL gross. I feel gross because I need to shower, put on clean clothes, and have a nourishing meal. Once I shower, I will no longer feel gross. It was not a descriptor of me, but it was a descriptor of how I felt.
TRIGGER WARNING: I am going to talk about abuse generally. Often, people who have been in an abusive situation will describe themselves as gross. This descriptor becomes how the victim views themselves, subconsciously. It is hard to connect that something gross happening can create a feeling of disgust, so instead your identity becomes “I am gross.” Not only is it painful to believe that you are gross, but it also creates a situation where the person might go through extremes to seek other ways of trying to undo this identity or behave in ways that confirm it. Trauma and PTSD can be a significant risk factor for developing an eating disorder. It is not always so linear, but it can play a role as a catalyst. The eating disorder will either go to lengths to try to undo this feeling and belief that you are disgusting through restriction OR it will play into it through binging which can make you feel uncomfortably full and ultimately gross. Restriction works in an effort to not feel anything in your body - attempting to undo this disgusting feeling and binging will confirm the belief you are gross through mirroring how you feel mentally physically in your body.
So why does language matter here? When we are gross, we have formed an identity and a lens through which we view ourselves that is pretty unchanging when not challenged. This identity impacts how we move through the world. If we acknowledge that something that happened is gross or we did something that made us feel gross, we can create some agency AND create empathy towards ourselves. To decide that your whole identity is disgusting takes away any sense of control and can create a sense of hatred towards yourself, which will impact the way you treat yourself. So, next time you catch yourself saying I am gross, remember gross is not an identity, it is a feeling and it is fleeting. What can you do to try to comfort that feeling? It might be taking a shower. It might be doing something kind for someone else. It will not be punishing yourself.
