Quieting Outside Noise
We have all been there: someone tells us they like our outfit, we might get a promotion at work, someone laughs at our jokes, etc. These external sources of validation can be like a drug. Similarly, we have all felt the sting of our joke not landing, someone commenting that they don’t like your shoes, and getting reprimanded by our boss. Are we now less funny, less cool, less stylish? Should we change our sense of humor, work-ethic, or style? I mean, we could. I definitely have, at times, tried to change who I am based on feedback from others. And sometimes this is not a bad thing. When a friend says, “you haven’t been there for me.” That IS a moment for me to step back and see if how I have been showing up is in alignment with my values. When a friend says, “I didn’t like that shirt you wore.” That might NOT be a time for me to reevaluate whether or not I am “stylish.” We might just have different tastes, neither good nor bad. It is subjective.
When we rely too heavily on validation, either positive or negative, we can often lose our sense of self. More than that, our idea of who we are and how valuable we are is entirely up to someone else. If we base our value on if our outfit gets complimented one day and then does not the next, our sense of self will constantly be in flux. We will feel like we are amazing one day and terrible the next. This takes away all of our power. Rather, if we get dressed strongly in who we are and what we like, it will not matter if other people agree with our point of view. We will know that we are portraying an authentic version of ourselves. (Getting dressed is a metaphor for acting in accordance with your own values, FYI).
So what are we to do, when we have been taught that people’s perceptions of us are who we are. That if we got good grades in school, we must be smart and if we struggled, we must be dumb - all based on this external measure. How are we supposed to define ourselves? This is where internal validation and internal locus of control comes into play. This is basically the things about ourselves that are steady, unchanging, and in our control. This could be: I have a good heart, I like my sense of humor, I love getting dressed in the morning (to continue with this metaphor), etc. All of these things are consistent regardless of how other people perceive them. When we define ourselves from within rather than what everyone else says, we can start to truly know ourselves and build real self-worth.
